Dear United Methodist Church,
I'm Mark McElroy, and I'm a Methodist.
This week, the Methodist Church's highest court refused to reconsider a ruling that allows local ministers to "refuse church membership" to those they deem unworthy -- in this case, The Gays.
My primary concern is that the court's decision may confuse our members ... and even open the door for legal action against the church. With an eye toward avoiding both confusion and the courts, I'd like to make a few suggestions.
1) Change the church's advertising tagline. Currently, the United Methodist Church's motto is "Open Minds. Open Hearts. Open Doors." That has a great ring to it, but my fear is that, given the clergy's court-supported right to closed minds and closed doors, continued use of this tagline may leave us open to charges of false advertising.
Given the recent turn of events, I suggest we go with "Pass the Test, and Be Our Guest." This motto portrays our current practice with greater accuracy and honesty, and it will communicate our policies more clearly to potential members.
Plus, it sounds better than my number two choice, "Sometimes Open, Sometimes Not, So Please Check with the Local Pastor before Attempting to Join the Church."
2) Clarify the church's position on The Gays. Now that it's clear that local ministers have the right to exclude the unworthy from church membership, some members may be asking, "What should we do with our current Gays? Do we have to get rid of them? And, if we do, what will the church do without a choir?"
Clearly, this kind of confusion is not in the church's best interest. I suggest you put out a helpful FAQ (frequently asked questions) sheet. In it, you could address questions like the one I just mentioned ... with church-approved answers like this one:
Cast out your Gays? Heavens, no! To be very clear: the high court's ruling applies only to new Gays who want to join the church. For all practical purposes, you should consider your old Gays -- the ones who managed to squeak through the doors of the Kingdom before we slammed them shut, and who currently support the church with their time, talents, and tithes -- "grandfathered."
Does this ruling have any implications for existing gay members at all? Frankly, yes: it sends them a strong message! As long as they're willing to go through life as quiet, marginalized little geldings, they are welcome to participate fully in the Kingdom of God. But now, should your Gays get uppity, this new ruling gives you something you can use to keep them in their place. There's nothing like the threat of excommunication to shut the mouth of that fag on the Worship Committee who keeps whining about buying new altar cloths!
3) Help members deal with problematic Scripture. On those rare days when Methodists actually crack open a Bible, they may stumble on Scriptures which seem to point fingers at the practices of our current church leadership, like Matthew 23:13:
Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.
It's pretty awkward and embarrassing when that rascally Jesus starts saying things that appear to speak directly to the actions of Methodist clergy! But it doesn't have to be. Perhaps the high court could release a memo like this one, providing strategies for dealing with Scriptures like these:
From: The Methodist High Court
To: All Church Members
Re: Disturbing Scriptures
When confronted by passages of Scripture that seem to conflict with church practice, the Methodist Church's highest officials recommend that members take action immediately:
- Find a black magic marker.
- Carefully strike out the offensive passages.
Then, when friends and relatives ask, "Why is the Methodist Church condoning actions that the Bible condemns as hypocritical?", you can honestly answer, "My Bible doesn't say that!"
In closing, let me just say that I hope these suggestions will be taken the spirit they're offered. I look forward to your reply!
From the Back Pew,
Mark
