Tonight, we ate at home.
(Sound Effect: Mark’s friends and family — all of them — simultaneously burst out into laughter.)
No, really. We did! Instead of going out, we whipped up a simple meal — with the help of some 21st century technology: the Pantelligent Intelligent Frying Pan. Yes, that’s right: it’s a Bluetooth-enabled frying pan that, with the help of an iPhone app, steps you through the process of cooking up the sort of risotto or salmon fillets that Chef Ramsey would be delighted by.
While I stir-fried some veggies (sweet red and orange peppers, broccoli, carrots, snow peas, cabbage, paired with olive oil, an artesan soy sauce, and Sriracha) in a plain old twentieth-century wok, Clyde opened his iPhone app, told Pantelligent we were cooking fresh salmon filets, input their thickness, and tapped “Start.” Pantelligent’s robotic voice (transmitted over the iPhone speaker) told Clyde to add butter and oil, then summoned him when the pan reached the perfect temperature.
“Put! The! Salmon! In! Skin! Side! Up!” Pantelligent said. (Its stove-side manner could use a little work.)
Clyde did so. Over the next several minutes, Pantelligent monitored heat and gave orders as needed: “The! Temperature! Is! Too! Low!” or “The! Temperature! Is! Too! High!” Clyde obediently fiddled with knobs or lifted Pantelligent off the cooktop until Pantelligent was happy again.
“Flip! The! Salmon!” Clyde did so, and we could see the meat was already a translucent white.
Pantelligent counted down six additional minutes, then said: “Enjoy! Your! Salmon!”
I plopped the stir-fried veggies into position, and Clyde used a trusty spatula to transfer the most beautiful salmon filets you’ve ever seen to the beautiful blue stoneware plates. And — we must admit it — these were the very best salmon filets we’ve ever prepared at home: delicately seasoned and cooked to pink perfection. We couldn’t have gotten better filets at a high-end seafood house.
We tucked right in and had the most satisfying home-cooked meal we’ve ever whipped up on a rainy Sunday night. (Of course, we’ve probably only eaten at home on five or six rainy Sunday nights over the last nine years, but that’s beside the point.)
“Wash! Me!” Pantelligent cried. “Wash! Me! Now! With! Gentle! Strokes!”
Not really. But cleanup was quick, and we were out of the kitchen and on the couch faster than you could say, “Time for Game of Thrones.”
So far, we’ve only used Pantelligent to create (perfect) scrambled eggs and (perfect) salmon filets … but already, I’m thinking this $200 skillet was a pretty nifty purchase. (And given that a simple meal out usually runs us a minimum of thirty-five bucks, it won’t take Pantelligent long to pay for itself!) Highly recommended.